"Resumé" by Dorothy Parker

(Please compare this to the slightly-more-uplifting "The Facts of Life" by Pádraig Ó Tuama, which was no doubt inspired by vicious Mrs. Parker's verse.)

Resumé

Razors pain you;

Rivers are damp;

Acids stain you;

And drugs cause cramp.

Guns aren’t lawful;

Nooses give;

Gas smells awful;

You might as well live.